I’ve been here for 3 months now.
Have I learned anything?
Yes and No.
Have I developed as a person, an individual in this Ministry?
Yes.
I came to learn that sometimes patience really is needed despite the headaches and the hurdles.
I also came to learn that there is nothing wrong with defending oneself instead of letting someone get his or her way with you. There is a limit to this of course.
No one said that working here is going to be easy especially when you have superiors who still believes in the old ways instead of stepping out of their comfort zone and adapting to the new.
Since they won’t do it, I guess I will have to be flexible instead. There is no need to conform, just be flexible.
The men I work with, I may have wrote a lot of nasty things about them here, on my blog but all in all, they are still human and no one is perfect. I can’t change them and they definitely can’t change me and my beliefs.
Now, if they do read this blog, I express my apology for ratting on them, as if they were scoundrels. I wrote what I wrote because I was frustrated and I just couldn’t accept any of their mannerisms and behaviors. To me, it was unacceptable and rather irresponsible. However, saying this, I am sure that if they knew me better, they too would not be able to accept my incorrigible attitude and mood swings.
How the heck did I came about with this?
Last Saturday led to this.
We were called to work on that day
My SUB left something for me on my table the night before to do and just to be sure that I understood perfectly to what was it that he wanted, I went to see him. However his door was locked so I decided to go ahead with it, send him a soft copy and see him later with a hard copy to make the appropriate changes or corrections.
It so happened that when he was back, there was something else for us to do. My SUB of course went searching for me and when he found me, he asked for me to see him with the work he left for me to do.
When we met, he said in an agitated voice, “Why didn’t you follow the instructions I gave you?“
Knowing that I didn’t deserve his agitated tone, I decided to suck it up anyway and told him, ” I didn’t get any instructions from you” and before I could even complete my sentence by saying “because I wasn’t there when you left me the work last night“, my SUB hit the table with his hand and had a fit. He yelled at me, asking why did I have to answer back.
Now this is not the first time I’ve heard him say something like this and not the first time I’ve seen him going crazy with his nonsensical outburst. I was tired of being the victim and him being the bully so I snapped.
I did the unimaginable by putting both my hands on my waist and I yelled back, saying to him that he did not leave me any instructions and that he did not have to yell over something so small because it can be done and it can be fixed. So him yelling at me was totally unnecessary and uncalled for.
With that, I left his office.
Then I heard him hitting something or throwing something with a very loud thump.
As I was about to enter my room, he shouted for me to go back to his office and said that he will do it himself.
I was so mad. So completely mad that I kept cursing him in cantonese and at the same time, I was so glad that I yelled back. All that pent up anger just erupted and I was so happy for not letting him bully me the way he did before.
It took me hours to simmer down and I think it completely drained me.
Few hours later when I was more rational, I decided to just suck up my pride and stubbornness by going to his office to apologise for my outburst.
At the end of my day, he is my boss and nothing is going to change that. Also, the D-8 conference is starting this week and I still need to work with him.
I went to his office, told him that I was very sure that I was the last person he wanted to see there and then but I just wanted to apologise. As I turned to leave, my SUB called me back and told me to sit.
He didn’t say sorry and it was not like I was expecting him to but he did explain his outburst and allowed me to explain mine. Before we could finish, Ambassador came in and my SUB looked at me saying that everything is okay and excused me.
How did I feel after the apology?
I felt good.
It was wrong to shout but I did not feel bad for standing up for myself.
I didn’t feel bad for pushing away my pride either and telling him I was sorry.
I have no idea to how my SUB perceives me but I now see him in a different light.
A good light.
E
